Tragedy Strikes A&M as Manziel Literally Drowns in Pussy

--College Station, TX--

The Texas A&M campus and sporting world were in shock early Sunday morning as news quickly spread that teammates had found the body of Aggies' star quarterback Johnny Manziel in his room. 

A source with the medical examiner's office confirmed early reports that it appeared Manziel had stopped breathing after being suffocated under a pile of coeds from A&M and surrounding schools. While no official autopsy has been performed, the examiner's office released a statement saying, "There are clear signs of trauma to the face, neck, and airway consistent with being crushed under the nubile thighs, breasts, and/or genitalia of females aged 18-22. In other words, the victim literally drowned in pussy."

Those close to Manziel, while saddened, seemed unsurprised. 

"After the Heisman campaign really got rolling last year, I worried about something like this happening." said a somber Aggies head coach Kevin Sumlin. "At first I was like, 'Oh, he's so ugly, the girls will leave him alone. He looks like one of those punk Russian kids you see in YouTube videos of street fights,' but then the fame...it changed all that. They would be after him in packs, like wild dogs."

Teammates told reporters Sunday the constant barrage of young women had taken a physical toll on Manziel before. Said former teammate and favorite target Ryan Swope, "I'll never forget him showing up to practice after the Alabama game and he just couldn't run. He had dead legs. I asked him what was up and he goes, 'It's the girls, Swope. They wore my legs out.'" 

"I told him, 'J-Football, man, you gotta make them be on top, or they'll ruin you.' But I never thought something like this would happen." Swope then broke down crying and repeated, "It's my fault, it's my fault, never shoulda told him to let them cowgirl it."

Ole Miss head coach Hugh Freeze, reached for comment, tried not to sound excited. "Manziel died? Seriously?" asked Freeze, his voice a little too upbeat for the moment, "so he's definitely not gonna play then? I mean...that's terrible. Our, um, thoughts and prayers are with the family." The Rebels play A&M this coming Saturday.

Las Vegas sports books have removed the Ole Miss vs A&M game for the time being, citing uncertainty about whether the game will be played at all, or how to lay the points if a backup plays for the Aggies. Prop bets on Manziel meeting his end in precisely this manner, however, paid out 8:1.

Nobody was taking the news harder than offensive lineman Jake Matthews, who stated he was present at the time of death and could have rescued Manziel.

"We were having a party, and I was out on the couch, I could hear him in there," Matthews sobbed, "it was hard to hear him over the girls, but he was yelling, 'Matthews, help! I'm drowning in pussy in here!' but I was like, 'Aw, Johnny, I'm not falling for that again." 

Matthews was then overcome with emotion, before saying, "Colt McCoy would have saved him," in an apparent misremembering of the time former Texas Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy swam across a lake to call an ambulance for a man having a heart attack on land.

Maziel's family could not immediately be reached for comment. As of press time, a fund to provide snorkels to young, famous men was already being set up in Manziel's honor.

Coach for Your Job: One Way or Another, A New Era

Let me open by saying that I would love to see Bo Pelini succeed. I want him to get it right both on and off the field. I would love to see the guy maximize his potential as a football coach and a human being. If I were a betting man, I'd bet Pelini gets fired in December before accomplishing either. If he does two things, he might have a shot.

It sounds like he may do the first, and that's to "scrap the gap." If we heard any positives out of the defeated post game commentary from defensive coaches, it may be the sense that even they admit they can't keep running a two-gap, two-high scheme.

Let us not argue over whether the system works. We've seen it have wild success and epic failures. There can be no doubt, however, that the 2012 and 2013 Blackshirts (and I use the term loosely) are not capable of making the system work for them. The offensive production surrendered has sent Husker fans and coaches through all the stages of grieving. Much as Charlie McBride did in the early 90s, Pelini may have arrived at an acceptance that the system he has embraced until now is no longer adequate.

You heard Pelini mention playing "gapped out" defense in his post-game presser. That's a one-gap defense he's talking about. That's saying to the young talent, "See that space between those two guys? Run through it and tackle the guy with the ball." Oversimplification on my part? Of course. But the change is a step in a necessary direction.

The time has come for the defense to admit it lacks the talent to make open receivers the thing it takes away from opposing offenses. These are no longer the timing-sensitive spread teams of the Big XII. If NU defensive backs can cover for five seconds (they can't), Big Ten QBs will scramble for six and seven seconds and hit an open man. All the while, a pass rush will either not be called for or will not be reaching the quarterback. Nobody can cover for that long.

Forget success, this defense's only hope of survival is to stop the run and pressure the quarterback. Everyone with a semi-educated opinion has pointed out that Husker defensive backs can't cover as long as they're being asked to do. Everyone else with eyeballs can see the Blackshirts can't stop the run or (Randy Gregory, you may be excused for this part) pressure the quarterback. It's time to do something well.

The second thing Pelini must do to save his job is to let Tommy Armstrong play. As Dirk Chatelain pointed out on Game Time with Nick Bahe yesterday, Taylor Martinez is in year five. We have seen the ceiling with him. This is the Taylor Martinez you are getting.

It's nothing against Taylor. I've come around a long way with my opinion on him because he's obviously worked hard and improved greatly. I want him to succeed, too. That said, think back to when he was a redshirt freshman. Could he throw like Armstrong can? If you didn't say, "Hell no," then you're misremembering.

Martinez, when healthy, brings speed to the table. Speed kills. So much so that Tim Beck included it in his twitter handle. But Taylor Martinez brings only speed to his running game. Martinez is not to be confused with a fluid runner. In a straight line sprint, he belongs with Crouch, Green, Rogers. In terms of vision and instinct running the ball, Martinez doesn't belong. He's not a "make you miss" guy. He's not a tackle breaker, either. Add pocket presence into that. When Martinez starts to improvise, strange things happen.

Armstrong, by contrast, has looked smooth out there in limited action. So smooth you forget he's a redshirt freshman. So smooth you relax a little knowing he's in the game. So smooth, I'm gonna call him "T-Smooth." Feel free to make that a thing.

The numbers don't lie. Obligatory "I love Ron Kellogg, we all love Ron Kellogg, he was great, too, he deserved it" statement aside, that offense looked better out there with Armstrong at quarterback than it ever has with Martinez. It was efficient, they were scoring every time. The deep passing game was in play.

Taylor has had great moments and great stats, but admit it...you're always pleasantly surprised when he makes a big play instead of a turnover. The hallmark of the Martinez-led Huskers has been fits and starts. They might score a TD, or he might wing it over Jamal Turner's head on a beautifully designed screen pass. They're good for at least a few three-and-out possessions per game. He might lead a dramatic fourth quarter comeback at Northwestern, but only after nearly throwing the game-ending pick...twice.

Armstrong went out there and dropped the deep ball in on a dime. He ran well. Most impressive to me, he took an option keeper or two and just turned it up for a 3 yard gain because that's all that was there. He looked poised, confident, dangerous...not to his own team, to the defense. He didn't force things. Sure, he didn't see a wide open Cethan Carter streaking to the end zone...but he threw a gorgeous out cut to another open receiver for the touchdown. You can forgive that kind of "mistake."

Armstrong played well enough to merit more playing time. He played well enough for Pelini to announce that they will hold Martinez out from practice until his turf toe is "100%." Well enough for Pelini to say that Martinez might not play against Illinois, even after a bye week. That's a far cry from one-legged Taylor handing off to Rex over and over in the Iowa game. Armstrong played well enough to get a few series in there even when Martinez is ready to go again. Armstrong played well enough to be Pelini's saving grace. Sure, it was an FCS defense and a middling one at that. But here's the thing:

If you play Armstrong at QB, suddenly it feels like you're playing for the future. You're making coaching adjustments. Sugar, you're going down swinging. Young defense, young quarterback, the promise of next year returns. Fans love next year, just ask the Chicago Cubs. And we haven't seen how high that smooth ceiling goes. We're only scratching the...wait for it...smooth surface with this kid.

If you go back to Martinez, especially if he's still hurt, the feel is all, "It's year six and this is the best you can do?" He might lead them on a tear through the Big Ten schedule. Or he might lead them on another meltdown or four. You'd believe either outcome, wouldn't you? Bo Pelini teams have been wild and streaky. Martinez has fit perfectly into that profile. They could use a little smooth to their game.

The Tommy Armstrong era and the era of a new defensive system will begin soon regardless of what this season holds. If they don't begin now, they will come along with the (INSERT NEW HEAD COACH HERE) era. I hope they don't have to.

We Knew He Was a Profanity-Laced Tirade When We Picked Him Up

Ah, what a Monday. Just when you thought the story was going to be Bo Pelini channeling his inner Cory McKeon and wanting football just be *fun* again, some choice audio hits Deadspin.

The only surprise here is that anyone is surprised. Just stop with your feigned shock.

We knew what he was when we picked him up--a defensive coordinator with a reputation for turning colors, screaming at players, and getting 15-yarders called on himself for f-bombing refs. Today is the day we farmers were reminded we're holding a viper. You know that story, right?




You're surprised today when we come to find out he f-bombed a bunch of people, the fans included? Will you be surprised tomorrow when the wheels on your car turn? What about when your dog sniffs somebody's crotch? Don't be. It is in the nature of those things.




The only surprise is that Pelini didn't deploy that cluster of f-bombs right there in the presser, and then challenge Chatelain and Shatel to fight him and Carl in the alley behind the Brass Rail, sweatshirts optional.

This is the guy who can't manage a full suit for high-profile interviews of Big Ten Media Days. It's pulling teeth to drag khakis and a blazer out of him. You expected impeccable manners? Spare me your indignation.

We all knew what we were getting when we clamored for this guy in 2007. Profanity-laced tirades directed at your own fanbase are not the kind of thing that gets a head coach fired. They erode a massive chunk of your support, but they are not fireable offensive in and of themselves.

If you were, say, a defensive specialist of a head coach whose defense couldn't stop a nosebleed...now that might be another story.

Memo to Broadcasters Covering the Huskers

-by Dan Beavers
Chicago, IL

A memo to television or radio personalities covering Nebraska football for the remainder of 2013:

We need to talk about what you may not call Bo Pelini. Call him Head Coach, Defensive Coordinator (if you think that's J.P.'s defense and not Bo's, I have some Blackshirts to sell you. See, the joke works because Blackshirts are practically worthless these days.), former NFL assistant, etc.

Here's what you may not call him: Defensive Guru, Brilliant Defensive Mind, Defensive Genius, or anything of the like. None of these monikers holds an iota of accuracy in 2013. If you insist of using such terms (and I know you will), please remember to precede them with "former."

We know, we're asking a lot of you. It kills you to mention Pelini without such descriptors. Talk about khakis, spittle, left-handed gestures, anything else. Why, you ask, are you banned from such accolades?

I could cite a variety of recent statistics like 600+ yards, or mind-numbing point totals surrendered. But those are for the nerds, the students of the game, the former players. I'm just a casual fan, a scrawny guy who never played a snap in a real game. I couldn't possibly understand the intricacies. So I use only the first of the simplest of reasons to disqualify Bo Pelini from the ranks of the defensive elite:

The Blackshirts can't tackle.

Discussion over. Look no further.

Save any talk of two-high, two-gap, two linebackers. It's too little, too late. I needn't worry about such lofty X and O concepts. I trust my eyes; they see the simple fact nearly every time an opponent gets a 1-on-1 matchup with an NU defender.

Genius? Please. The Blackshirts can't tackle. Nothing could be more "Defense 101" than that.

Forgive me for going back to that punchline like Chris Rock bashing Marion Berry (NSFW). I know that in year 6 of the Pelini regime, Husker fans aren't laughing.

"What if they turn Randy Gregory loose? Chuck the scheme and let him go out there and ball?" Won't matter. The Blackshirts can't tackle.

"What if guys like Avery Moss and Vincent Valentine had started signing with NU back in 2009?" Wouldn't matter now. The Blackshirts can't tackle.

"What if they blitzed the linebackers more?" Won't result in a sack. The Blackshirts can't tackle.



You know the words to this routine. You've seen it before. It was on a loop in Lincoln in 2006 and 2007. Remember that old feeling of Cosgrovian defenses? Where the best defenders at pursuing and tackling are first year starters? Brace yourselves, here are a few names: Josh Banderas, Randy Gregory, and Nathan Gerry. First year, first year, first year.

What does it say about the way a team practices when the starting QB sports a walking boot in his downtime and still starts?

It screams aloud the word former Huskers of the glory days have been whispering since 2004.

"Soft." As in, the fact that you're in a walking boot and can't go hard doesn't mean you won't go.

Former Huskers have been trying to tell you. The way this team practices is soft. They're not hitting enough on either side of the ball. They're not nasty. The coaches are not letting their best 22 players line up and have at each other. Things are in the way. Things like green jerseys, quick tempos, illegal formations, convoluted game plans. It shows on Saturdays. 64 yards after contact in one drive. 2.2 yards per carry on offense.

If you listen closely to the Bennings, Fraziers, and Peters of the world, they've been hinting at it. They don't think this version of the Blackshirts could have held even Gerry Gdowski's Huskers under 700 yards rushing. They're right. Players today are bigger, stronger, and faster. But in a contest of nastiness, the Huskers of yesteryear would win going away.

The hints have been there in spades, you just have to listen for them. When Martinez discusses his sore shoulder after Wyoming and glibly mentions that the game was the first "real contact" he's taken in months, that's soft.

It's Avery Moss having Brett Hundley dead to rights, and not finishing. It's a full year of Cam Meredith and Jason Ankrah lagging haplessly behind rolling QBs like a bull mastiff pursuing a greyhound. At some point you think to yourself, "Man, these guys look like they haven't practiced sacking a quarterback in years." If it looks like a duck...

It's Martinez's career--one healthy season in four. When Martinez is hurt, he still starts. For reasons that mystify, Bo Pelini would rather, literally, have Martinez on one leg than any of his backups at 100%. If you think the defense gets to hit a wounded QB all week, think again. If you think Martinez's "happy accident" running style smacks of a kid who takes zero hits six days a week, you're right. If it walks like a duck...

It's (insert Husker defensive back here) attacking downhill on a short completion in the flat. Stop me when you recognize the scenario: Ball complete to a wide open WR in the flat, Husker defender comes flying in out of control, takes a horrible angle, doesn't break down, buries his head, and makes a flying leap at thin air. At some point you think to yourself, "Man, these guys look like they're so worried about tempo, alignments, route trees, assignments, checks, levers, spills and screaming coaches that they forgot about pursue, hit, wrap." It if quacks like a duck...

It's any of a thousand plays that would have been a routine stop en route to a three-and-out if the first defender to make contact had tackled the ball carrier. But that doesn't happen. The Blackshirts can't tackle. That's soft.

So you see, dear announcer, please don't insult the Husker fans' collective intelligence. We know a defensive genius when we see one, but we don't see one here. Geniuses nail the little details. In year six, Pelini hasn't nailed square one. The Blackshirts can't tackle. What a lame duck.